Surviving Motherhood: Colleen Shields - CapitalGazette.com: Colleen Shields

Surviving Motherhood: Colleen Shields - CapitalGazette.com: Colleen Shields: Love is very powerful.  I believe that love is like an organic thing;  it changes and grows in the meandering way we care for it.  Love is a s…

"Surviving Motherhood"- Friends Lost and Found

Colleen Shields is writer, actress, producer and mother. See her videos at . Colleen inspires mothers to reach their true true potential in the context of motherhood. I was sobbing… uncontrollably

. It was as though a release of years of hurt, heartache and disappointment just fell from my soul like a great thunderous storm rolling from my eyes. These were tears and sorrow that I didn’t even know I had stored somewhere in the recesses of my heart. You see, I was leaving behind a friend. I didn’t know, so many years ago, that this would be truly a unique friend. I didn’t realize that where I was at this young time in my life when we had become friends, would be temporary. I was able to give a part of myself that I don’t think I can do so easily anymore, or at least not for a long time. My dear dear friend. I was driving away from her. I didn’t know that over a decade ago, when I had her near, when I enjoyed her so much, and knew in my heart she appreciated me and loved me, that she would be so unique. I didn’t realize that first time I drove away that she would really be one of the only true friends that I would have. I didn’t know just how special that relationship would be. It was too much to conceive that we would part cities, part states and be worlds away, and that our friendship would not be able to bear the distance. And then came the babies…one after the other, after the other, after the other, and so forth. I thought, naively, that I will have more friends like her down the road, somewhere in the midst of motherhood. And then suddenly, almost by accident I finally got to see her again after so many years. I didn’t even contemplate it too much, I didn’t anticipate it like we do sometimes, when we have special occasions. It was like yesterday that we were all together, the four of us, her young husband and mine. Both of them were deep in graduate school, and both of us were starting our professional careers, or perhaps more appropriately, bringing home the bacon. We were thick as thieves, with no children, no mortgages, no money and few bills. We had apartments in the city and would spend Saturdays walking through antique stores and dining leisurely in sidewalk cafés in Philadelphia. Life was different. Simple. I look back now, as a mother of four children, with tremendous responsibility, with a big mortgage, big tuition, and the sense of constant awareness that I do the Right Thing at ALL times, lest the children will suffer, and I realize that I am not sure I could ever again cultivate the kind of friendship I did at that time. I may have to wait another 12 years perhaps, when my children are grown to again have the sense of freedom and the vulnerability to trust someone enough to let them into my world. I have wonderful friends now, truly caring and generous. They are kind and giving, but I cannot give the same of myself that I did then. I had the sudden realization, as we drove away, that I am not as generous with myself, and that the few times I have opened that door a bit wider than usual, I have been hurt- and it cut very deep. I can ill afford to waiver my feelings and emotions for fear I may lose my footing, which I desperately need to be able to care for the my children and my husband, or I could fall off the precipice of my life. It’s too difficult to cultivate, too time consuming, I have my husband, my children need me, I don’t have time, it’s too hurtful, what if she turns on me, what if she needs me too much, I can’t be needed anymore, I am too selfish, too mean….too….there are so many reasons I can’t have that kind of friend ever again! So, as we are driving away, and my sobs turn into double sobs, when you need two in breaths for every out, and I am sitting in my little puddle, I realize that this gift of my friend, is like an invitation from those silent friends of my past and my future, those I believed in that disappointed me, and those that I didn’t believe in, and didn’t realize were so unique- that I may never find them again. So dear friends, thank you for holding on, I promise I won’t let you out of sight again…even in the midst of your two greatest competitors, motherhood and my own insecurity.

"Hunger Games" Review- A Mom's Perspective

Parenting is a difficult task indeed- especially now-a-days,with sexting, Facebook chatting and "The Jersey Shore". When I learned about the concept of "The Hunger Games", I realized I was onto a whole new definition of 21st century parental treachery. I had been getting tremendous pressure from my older children- ages 12 and 9, to see the midnight premiere, and after weeks of begging, spontaneous cleaning and unsolicited offers to help mom, along with suggestions that I "needed to rest", I gave in. I agreed to take the older two to "The Hunger Games", at midnight no less. I admit that my inclination to give in to such effective manipulation was driven mostly out of the fact that this trilogy had accomplished a great feat with which I had formally failed to do effectively: it turned my children into passionate readers- the kind that sneak their flashlight under the blankets at night. The boys enjoy discussing and lamenting over the books and it's twists and turns. I figured this was a great opportunity to reward their new found love for reading and perhaps they would even engage me in conversation! Once I learned of the plot, I was horrified: the evil government, in an effort to maintain absolute control over society, creates and produces a reality show competition with 24 of its citizans, in which over the course of two weeks, they die one by one until a lone survivor is declared a winner. Absolutely disgusting, right? How could I in good conscience allow my children to be exposed to such an immoral and utterly despicable display of inhumanity? The problem: they had already been reading the series for almost 8 months- I was too late. I decided to proceed and keep an open mind. The style, look and feel of the movie- which I would define as a science fiction drama- was creative beyond imagination. According to the boys, it was true to the book and a perfect representation. The acting was superb and the writing quick and poignant. The flow and pace of the movie were spot-on- no one moved in the theater- not a single person. The anticipation and suspense was relentless. As an artist and (former) actress, I can, with some small measure of authority, say that the costuming, hair, makeup and overall styling was absolutely stunning. They were able to create a world of excess and debauchery among the "capital" players (the evil ones) in a visual way which I felt was believable. The style was futuristic, full of highly stylized lines in clothing full of bright colors, and various colored hair, with high contrasting makeup. The characters were almost cartoon like, yet the costumes had recognizable qualities not far from our own styles today (mini skirts and short waisted jackets). The capital players were set against a backdrop of sleek skyscrapers and high technology, with an art deco and sometimes retro feel- with antique props (microphone anyone?). The contrast to the poor "districts" with coal miners (won't we run out in 1000 years?) was effective, although the poor areas lacked some creativity in their representation. Now to the story- the utterly disgusting premise...this is the part where every mother cringes in fear of creating an axe murderer. Was there death? Yes. Violence? Yes. Gratuitious violence? No. Bad language? No. Sexual content? NO. This is a story of good and evil. The protagonists are forced, so to speak, to be participants in the hunger games. The crowd, (and thankfully my children) are rooting for them- that they get out alive, that they support eachother and fall in love. The children and rest of the audience recognize the evil for what it is, and that the participants are mainly victims of the government or the parents who raised them to be the killers they are. The children see the rich as evil, and the poor as the victims, and somewhere in the middle are those that are trying to help the victims, and they are, after all, victims themselves. So I would say yes, I recommend the movie for mothers, fathers, and children older than 8. It will be around a long time, and hopefully be a source of discussion into the larger issues of our real life unfolding around us. Colleen Shields is a mother, writer and producer of "Surviving Motherhood". See and hear her posts and insights at .

10 Ways To Make Summer Magical for Kids

When I think of summer, I recall it in events, feelings, sights, sounds and smells. I remember the magic of summer as a child, the feeling as though the day may never end, that anything is possible, that life just cannot get any better than that moment in time- swimming in the river for hours, floating- with my ears just under the cool water of the Severn, listening to the fish, and crabs tick ticking at each other, watching the clouds above me swirl in and out of different shapes as though performing, just for me. I remember the feeling of independence as I walked along the path at night, in the pitch black, giggling with my friends- bubble gum, sunburn, the smell of Solarcain, the sound of crickets, the fireflies, the feeling that I was on my own, going into new territory, on a long sweet night. I remember the beach and the endless hours building elaborate castles, with windows and trees, and motes. I remember trying to sleep with a simple sheet, sticky listening to the tree's leaves as though they were talking and soothing me to sleep. There were no cell phones, no email, no internet, no air conditioners, no DVD players and barely television. It was pure, simple, magic, with daring days on boats with storms rolling down the river, night-time swims, meetings on the fifth tee of the golf course, and long summer dances- barefoot, always. I feel like summer is when I learned about who I am, I tested my boundaries, and dared myself to push further than I knew, further than I thought I could.

I have spent a significant amount of time considering how I could possibly bring my children the magic experienced in my summers. Now that three out of four can swim, I feel as though my brain capacity has opened up a little to fill that former stress void that I had, being constantly afraid of drowning- one of my greatest fears. I feel that now, suddenly, making sure my children have a special, magical summer has become very relevant. I analyzed how it came to pass that I had these experiences...and this is my best solution, right now, today.

Here are ten ideas that I have come up with to help bring some of the magic to my childrens' summer:
1. Let Go of The Competition
Some people consider summer a chance to get their child "a step ahead of the competition". Relax. I can attest that my sense of adventure is more valuable than any extra lacrosse camp I ever would have received.
2. Stay Up Late
Night time is magical to children. It's a time they don't get to experience very much. Taking your children for a walk at night (some place safe), going for ice cream at night, taking them to a ball game at night, going to see the frogs in the river- these are all things that will give them a sense of excitement they do not normally experience.
3. Sleep In
Let the schedule go and relax.
4. Live Your Former 10 Year-Old Self
Remember when you were 10? What was exciting to you? Choose adventures and do them as a family. Going deep in the woods to find 'bones' may be the perfect adventure. Take out a canoe. Go paddle boating in Washington D.C. Go biking on the Eastern Shore. We go swimming in the evening. Tonight they went in their clothes. It's okay, it's a wet car, it'll dry.
5. Appreciate the Moment
There is no greater gift to a child than when his parents are able to give him love and be present with him in the moment. Train yourself to Live The Moment. We went boating recently, and I took it all in. My second son in his oversized life jacket, my baby boy with his dimpled fingers, my two little ones who still let me strip them bare naked in public out of wet bathing suits...the fact that they still want to curl up next to me like little kittens, and I know it will be over in flash, and they will just want the keys to my car.
6. Love, Love, And Love the Outdoors
Love your spouse, love your kids, love yourself. Take care of yourself at all times, and always bring healthy snacks, drinks, dry clothes, baby powder, sunblock, bug spray, lots and lots of towels, and always always exercise. Every day. Outside. Be outside as much as possible. I equate connecting to nature like to connecting to God, it's an immeasurable gift that will always give back, and your children can always access. When there is nothing left in the world (because the boyfriend is gone, the test score is low, the bank account is empty etc. etc.), there is and always will be, God and nature.
7. Give Them a Little Independence
As I walked along the path at night with my friends, I felt like I was flying solo across the Atlantic! I felt I had arrived! It was about a quarter of mile from my house to the 'clubhouse', and my grandmother's house was about half that distance. I had 5 siblings, about 15 or so cousins, and at least 4 uncles watching me at all times, I just didn't know it. So now, I let my 10 year old go with his cousins, for half hour increments. I let him walk home from the beach. I let him decide a few things that he hadn't in the past. I let him feel empowered.
8. Double Down the Downtime
Having 'nothing' to do is good for children in our overscheduled era. Let them come up with the 'something', even if its laying in the grass studying the clouds or digging for worms.
9. Bring On the Friends
Summertime was a very social time for me. Studies show that children who have a higher aptitude for socialization generally make more money, and consider themselves 'happier' in life as adults. Do what you can to integrate your children's friends into your life.
10. Share and Share Alike
Do you have a pool, a boat, a swing set, homemade lemonade? What do you have to share? What do you have that will bring joy to your children? I had an "Ice Cream Social" last week, just to kick off the summer. It couldnt' have been easier. We put out a bunch of toppings in disposable bowls, lots of ice cream and cones in my backyard and invited everyone over. We put on dance music, and the adults came with cocktails. The kids had an amazing time, and the adults had good time too. It was easy. Have punch and cookies with a blow-up pool. It's a party.

I recognize how incredibly fortunate I was a child to have what I had. But I think even without many of the privileges, the beauty of summer lies in these very simple things that anyone can do, living in any neighborhood, anywhere in the United States. Good luck and I wish each of you a magical summer with endless days and nights of happiness and wonder.

Colleen Shields is a writer, producer and host, and mother of 4 children. To read more blogs see her website at http://themomtastics.com or follow her on twitter @momtastic.

10 Habits of Highly Successful Mothers

"Success" is an ambiguous term to me. How does one measure success? How does one define it? Is success how much money we have in our bank account? Is it how much we have accomplished in our professional life? Perhaps success is the amount of education we earned? Or maybe success is how bright our future paths are...Being first and foremost a mother (in addition to the others duties of my life), the concept of success is one I measure (most of the time), by the happiness and achievements of my children and husband, rather than myself. Looking at success through this lens can be a slippery slope; what if, perhaps, one's child goes through a naughty phase- does this make the mother unsuccessful? I think not. But, when your primary energy, time and commitment are targeted toward the health and well-being of those around you, measuring yourself to their achievement is inevitable. I carefully study successful people. Women who are able to achieve motherly success (i.e. their children are super in school, sports, arts and wonderfully behaved), in addition to professional success and marital success are truly captivating to me. I wonder what they think when they meet me, "This woman is crazy...why does she keep asking me questions...." Well, I am trying to learn learn learn. I love to listen to the little gold nuggets that people do not even know they possess. Little do they know that I grab each little nugget and keep it to review later...(Is that creepy?)

These are the top 10 Little Gold Nuggets of Success which I have carefully extracted from women all over the country:

1. Efficiency is key.
There are only 24 hours in the day for all of us. So how is it that some people simply get more done than others? They don't waste time doing things that someone else can do. When it's appropriate and the budget allows for it, bring in the reinforcements to do your mundane tasks to give you more time. Successful women schedule carefully and say no to anything that doesn't work in the schedule.

2. Plan longterm
Successful women anticipate the needs of the children, their husbands, their jobs, and the school picnic. The most successful women I know have their calendars mapped out for the year.

3. Don't sweat the drama
There is one thing that women from all generations and all parts of the world share, and that is drama. Sensitivity to everything that is said, goes on, and transpires will ruin even the most focused woman. Do not get involved in nonsense. (I even go so far as to avoid news during the workday so I am not distracted by natural disaster.)

4. Keep the children on the forefront.
You can be wildly successful with your career, but if you come home to a crying child because you were the only mother who didn't come for the Mother's Day Music Show you have had it. Staying on top of your child's basic needs and even the most trivial event is important. Schedule time with your child if you must. Create a day a week that is for your children and only them. Carve out time every day to spend real one-on-one time with them. Being in the same room doesn't count!

5. Stay connected to your husband.
If your marriage fails, your children's life will fall apart. Period. End of story. I'm not suggesting that you can't piece it back together again but it will take time and healing. Prevent it by staying focused on being connected to your spouse.

6. Don't overspend, overeat, overdrink
Keep a check on health, on your spending, on your social life. Inventory it weekly. If life spirals out of control in one of these areas, your entire life will suffer.

7. Commit
When your child is on a basketball team and wants to stay home to play with his friends, tell him no and remind him of his commitment to his team. He can play with his friends when he gets home. Committing and staying committed is a key strength to anyone who is successful at anything. Success takes hard work, which can only be achieved through commitment.

8. Say No
People who say yes to everything create an impossible scenario for success. Do not volunteer to be the homeroom mom if you are working 60 hours a week; you will be unsuccessful at work, home and school. People who recognize when they are maxed out are always appreciated for their gracious "no I'm sorry I am overcommited" statement. It's a gift to everyone around you when you say no, and bow out.

9. Baby Steps
Every major achievement is preceded by a series of very small achievements. You cannot achieve success without working these small accomplishments first, and then moving on.

10. Adapt and Change
Nothing is certain but change in life. As soon as you figure out how to take care of the baby, she's a toddler. As soon as you get on the preschool routine, it's on to reading readiness. As soon as you feel like you are on cruise control in your job, you are promoted. Life is everchanging, and our ability to adapt to that change, and show our children how to adapt to change will dictate our true success. At the end of the day, I do believe that success is largely in the eye of the beholder. As life changes our view of success will change with it, and hopefully our glass will remain half full.

Colleen Shields is a writer, producer and host with four children. For more vlogs, blogs, videos and information, check out http://www.themomtastics.com

Developing Spirituality In Your Children

One of the core values of my life is to raise my children with the faith that I share with my husband and with which I was raised. Being Catholic is actually a fraction of the spiritual ratio. Having "faith" is the biggest piece of my spiritual life. Most people think of Catholicism as a lot of sit and stand, non-emotional, 'heavy-on-the-rules' type of religion. But for me, my faith is what has given me wings in many parts of my life and the courage to dare, to tread, and to nearly drown (but, alas survive). Without my faith, I do not believe that I would have had the wear-with-all to face great adversity, slim odds or major disappointments.

My point is this: no matter what, giving your children the foundation of religion with a heavy emphasis on faith is like a gift that gives in perpetuity. Children are the best receivers of faith: they believe the unseen. A child's level of thinking is on a higher realm in certain ways than adults, as they understand, embrace and believe theoretically beyond the here and now, the literal world. They do not share the skepticism that we have as adults. They are open, honest and forthcoming (sometimes to a fault, especially if you ask them if you look fat in your jeans). Children can also be clairvoyant too, in their sense of integrity and honesty; any hint of another's broken promise is taken very seriously. These concepts of faith, honesty and integrity are like a fertile field waiting to be seeded- the harvest of which will be a future of conscious thought and deliberate action, full of goodness and love.

I realize that I have had the benefit of a Mother uber committed to faith, and determined to instill habits that I now carry on to my children. For my readers who have not had the benefit of my Mother, here are some things that I do with my children to grow their faith, all of which I give full credit to my Mom...(I would also like to preview saying I am far from a good Catholic, but I try, all prayers for my eternal soul are welcome...)
1. Mommy and Daddy may not know but God does...
This is the concept that He is watching even if we are not.

2. Jesus is your friend, loves you, forgives you no matter what.
How many people do you know beat themselves up forever over something they have done...enough already...

3. You are very very special.
I talk about the Angels and the Saints, and how they all decided what kind of baby they were going to send Mommy from Heaven, and they picked out all the special qualities and I name each one...My Mother says "Every hair on your head is counted by God, he knows you from the tip of your head, to the tip of your toes.." I love that one too...

4. Pray pray pray and then pray some more.
We pray on the way on a trip, before a game, before dinner. I love to pray on the way to school, as we thank God for the beautiful day, or the rain for the trees who are so thirsty, and all our blessings and our family and our education, and for all the little children who can't go to school...(This one is great on Monday mornings.)

5. Go to Mass
A church, Synagogue, Mosque will work. But when you put an hour or so a week on the top of the priority list it tells your children that God is important, and so is your family, it's your time, and no one else’s. Protect it and covet it. Don't let anything or anyone encroach on your Sunday.

6. Be Generous.
To everyone, your family, your friends, strangers. Generosity comes in many forms in our lives, my favorite being kindness and forgiveness.

7. Watch Your Actions.
Not swearing etc. is a given, but I work very hard to "channel Jackie Kennedy" (which is a another blog) when things happen in front of my children. Someone flipped me off on the way to school the other morning- yes at 7:45 am, and actually told me to &*ck myself...I blessed her through grit teeth and kept my choice words to myself- that was a hard one.

8. Love Everyone.
My children, at one time, asked me how come some people are different religions, my answer of course "God loves everyone...." That is so easy. They don't ask anymore. Pray for your enemies, they need it, a lot.

9. Teach Forgiveness and Reconciliation.
How many people are you not talking to? How many people are you holding a grudge against? Your children will notate and file away for a later date when they can repeat this behavior...toward you. Forgive and forget. That doesn't mean expose yourself to unhealthy negative people (another blog). It means forgive them. The concept of reconciliation is such an incredible gift every child should have. If you can stand before another, confess, ask and accept forgiveness, you can achieve great things. Every child should be imparted carefully with this concept.

10. God Wants the Best For You.
The concept that God wants the best for you, Jesus is looking out for you etc., gives your child an optimistic attitude for the future. I am always reminded of the six year-old boy that hid in the latrine at Auschwitz and was discovered by American soldiers when the camp was liberated. Some would say he lived in feces, others would say he survived supreme odds of certain death. Optimism is a key component to giving and receiving abundance and success. Goodness is rewarded.


This turns out to be much more than I had wanted to share, but I tell you with my heart that I wish many people were raised with even some of these ideals, so I take this time to thank my Mother, her Mother and her Mother before her.

Colleen Shields is an author, producer, host and mother. To read more blogs and see her videos, log onto http://www.themomtastics.com.

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10 Ways to Unspoil Your Child

One of the great concerns of my life is that my children grow to be rigorous, ambitious, and resourceful adults. I find myself frequently concerned over this issue. My own sense of dogged determination came out of the survival skills I learned being the youngest of six children. I am acutely sensitive to my own family's interpretation of this, however, when you are one of many, any attitude or gesture short of "I MUST HAVE", means you will not receive. I learned quickly how to maneuver through group situations to get what I needed, when I needed it. 'The squeaky wheel' is only one of many tactics which I mastered early in life. I have no regrets about being from a large family; to the contrary, I loved it (and still do). I also believe that these early years were vital to my future, as my sense of "Oh Yes I Can", carried me to a full scholarship to college . I felt early in my life that if I wanted something, I had to get it myself.

Which brings me to my great concern for my children. My own sense of determination transcends to the welfare of my children. I am determined to make certain that each of their needs are met. Sometimes when people ask me what I "do", I answer "I get four children dressed, fed, to school on time , with papers signed, healthy lunches made, picked up to practice from practice, with homework done, dinner fed, bath, read to, with clean- proper clothing, prayers 3 times a day and always always teeth brushed." I do do do. I do so much I wonder if they will ever become hungry with determination. Will they ever push themselves, or will I always be the one pushing them? My mother didn't have to push me; I pushed her to drive me to agents, auditions, performances. She was (and is) always supportive, but her concern was protecting me from myself and those creepy people who lurk around the entertainment industry.

So the question becomes: how do you get your children to want, when they want for nothing? I am reminded of President Teddy Roosevelt's quote and one of my favorites:

"It is far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt, "The Strenuous Life"

Perhaps my children do not need to 'want' in order to become great people. Perhaps understanding that success (in any form) takes discipline and dedication. Perhaps their mother and father's commitment and love for them will give them confidence to push through the inevitable challenges of life. Perhaps they will honor their own privilege by dedicating their lives to those who have nothing. Perhaps...

I hope it works, and welcome any suggestions. In the meantime, I continually remind them of their unique American life- a home, a family, an education, a wii...these are things that many people do not have. The other thing they do not have is a mother who is dedicated, (Mom you are annoying me, don't kiss me in the parking lot), caring (Mom you are so mean making me wear a coat in the winter), and most of all, completely obsessed with their well being (I'm taking my bike two houses down why do I have to wear a helmet?) So they should be thankful, grateful, and humble. (As I should be too, for being SUCH a good mom to my little monsters, oh I mean my little darlings)....in the meantime I will pray for their future and hope their dogged determination includes keeping mommy happy with lots of appreciation.

Below are a few more ideas that I am considering...Note: Unspoil your children AT YOUR OWN RISK!

1. Make their own lunches.

2. Remove all but the canned food from the pantry.

3. Hide the can opener.

4. Do their own laundry.

5. Go camping, (in a tent).

6. Replace the house phones with the round dial kind/Hide the cell phones.

7. Tell them to organize their "ride home" from practice.

8. Hide most of their clothes, and give them some of your husbands hand-me-downs.

9. Remove all the batteries from the house, including all hand held remotes.

10. Disconnect the cable/internet.

For more blogs, vlogs, articles, and videos, go to http://www.TheMomtastics.com. Colleen is a writer, producer, host, and mommy living in Annapolis with her husband and four children.