Mortality at the Back Door

As I was happily reading "More" magazine last evening, home on a Saturday night after our children's behavior had dashed our family dinner plans out, when I began to experience an acute feeling of anxiety. At first, I couldn't put my finger on exactly why, so I began to analyze the situation. Yes, I was highly annoyed that we had no babysitter, that the high pitched playing/fighting was elevating, that I had been working for hours on end and wanted a break. But that wasn't what was bothering me. As I flipped through the mag, I realized that it was the Cadillac ad, the wrinkle cream, the graying Clairol treatment, the Alzheimer's treatment, the panty liners for bladder leakage that was triggering my response- and these were only subliminal. The articles on hearing loss, Fired at 50, and a bit on Debbie Harry really got me thinking that either this magazine is far below my demographic, or I am really really getting old. "Why do I even have this magazine?" I thought to myself... Well, I borrowed it from my gym. (I did ask...) I like the articles, the topics are intelligent and deep. I like who they interview and find the subject's experience(and age)gives her a perspective from which I would like to glean insight. So maybe I'm in the demographic. I mean possibly...

At this point of realization, one word began to repeat itself over and over in my mind, "necrosis". And then it really hit me as I started to do deep breathing exercises. Mortality was fast approaching! It's practically knocking on my backdoor! It's coming like an Acela train down the tracks right toward me and I am powerless to stop it! I have so much to do, to accomplish! And what am I doing? I need to get to work immediately! I haven't even come close to accomplishing my personal mission statement and I am wasting time! (pant, pant...)

I sat down on the couch and tried silently to compose myself so as not to alarm my children that their mother may die at any moment. They were happily playing Wii, and maneuvering in and out of towers and near death experiences...When suddenly three out of four of them crawled up onto my lap like little kittens. Their warm little bodies covered me like a blanket, and it all melted away, and I thought to myself, "Why am I wasting my time thinking about what could be when I have what is..." I wish I could bottle this moment, keep it with me all the time, and lock the back door, forever.

Colleen Shields is a writer, producer and mom. You can read her blogs and see her videos at http://themomtastics.com