The utter despair that the parents of Phoebe Prince must feel, makes me weak in the knees. Phoebe was a 15 year-old teen girl who was so viciously harassed by a group of her high school classmates at South Hadley High School in Northampton, Massachusetts that she hanged herself on January 14. The harassment had been going on since September, and took place at school and online. The faculty and many students at the school were witnesses and aware that Phoebe was being bullied. Unfortunately, there was nothing effectively done to stop it.
Phoebe left a legacy which I hope will not go unnoticed, but rather, expose the danger which our children are in, and highlight our responsibility of parenting in the most visceral, important way. What have the parents of these children, been busy doing? Teaching them? Taking every opportunity to make them understand that we, as human beings, are compelled to not only be caring, and compassionate to one another, but that we are actually responsible for one another? I wonder how much time these parents spent actually exhibiting the behavior they wished for their children, like helping those less fortunate, possibly the people who may seem a bit weaker, a bit helpless. I wonder if they did things to cultivate a spirit of generosity like stopping on the side of the road to unload the car of blankets for the homeless people sleeping in the streets...or bringing unwed teen mothers home after they had been put out by their families? I wonder if they stopped at the grocery store and found a family with little blond, malnourished children with no home and no food and brought them home to live with them? I wonder how many prayers they said for people in dire straights, bringing attention to the problems that exist in the everyday lives of family members and friends? I wonder if they brought anyone home, on the brink of suicide and made her a part of their family? I wonder if they had nightly family dinners, endless discussions of social welfare and reform, or if they had family expectation of civil service? I wonder if they attended mass every Sunday, to listen, learn and experience the discipline of giving God an hour of devoted time per week? I wonder these things because the idea that I or any member of my family would ever, ever watch someone being bullied and literally stand by is unimaginable to me. My parents did each and everyone one of these acts of kindness, and countless more. They taught us, consistently and constantly about serving others. They didn't just show up for appearances, ever. They sacrificed themselves, their time, their money, their home and much more. They gave of themselves, they showed compassion, and they taught us to do the same.
The legacy of Phoebe goes directly to the heart of what is needed, what is required as a parent; your children are in danger. Just to give your check to a charity every year, go to church once a month, and even volunteer at a soup kitchen once a year are not enough. Not now. Now in the age of competition for your kid's attention from a pop society that misses the point of the movie "Mean Girls". Getting your children to understand that we are ultimately responsible for everyone around us will be our country's greatest achievement or our greatest failure. It takes every day, every hour of reminding, teaching and showing your children how we should treat others when we are with them, and how we consider them when we are away from them. Parenting takes commitment that I believe, when done right, rivals Olympic athletes.
The parents of the nine teens who are now facing serious criminal charges will have significant time to ponder their own responsibility in Phoebe's death. I hope that Phoebe's legacy will conjure serious change, and compel parents to connect with their children, and give them Olympian-like teaching of humanity, love and compassion for others.
For more blogs, videos on parenting and vlogs, go to http://www.themomtastics.com
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
It's All Yahoo's Fault
Do you ever sit at your computer, ready to accomplish a very specific task, one that you haven't been able to tend to for weeks, that has been sitting there, on your mind, pestering you, when you see on the home page whether it be msn or yahoo- the day's news events? You can't help but read "The Ten Most Common Signs That You Are Being Lied To," or maybe even "Candie Spelling's House Tour- Come On In!" There are just certain things I cannot resist. Once I give into the temptation of, let's say for example, seeing the Spelling fortress, I then decide to read up on Tory and Dean. I wonder about the relationship with the Mom, did they make-up from their epic fight? Maybe there is an article on that...What about the boobs, did she get them fixed? They used to be lopsided (as was pointed out to me by a grumpy grip on the set of 90210 back in the heyday). What about Jennifer Garner, where is she? etc. etc. etc. The mind gets...DISTRACTED. Isn't it true? I find one of my greatest challenges in life is to stay on track, of one thing, and accomplish it, despite the mountains of distractions that surround me.
This week as I was contemplating my next blog post I considered this challenge, (I am officially a master procrastinator). All the challenges that surround me in terms of career and the many paths that face me; the finances and choices that must be made; the children's education and which direction to take the; the health and well being of my husband, my children, and my parents; the scheduling and maintenance of my children and their sports, arts, parties- all these things, all of these decisions, all of these tasks on this massive to do list began to crowd me and I felt like I could just suffocate. I felt like I couldn't breath and it just might overtake me. As I tried to take one task at a time, I couldn't even listen to the anxiety of those around me. I grew short with anything not on point. And then one day in what seemed like an endless week, it occurred to me that I had gotten off the path. That my objective was simple: Happy life, happy family. I began to consider what, out of all these decisions, big and small, was really truly apart of that equation. I had to rid myself of the detailed minutia, back-burner anything that wasn't truly a part of that equation, and move on. Usually the biggest problems, challenges and hurdles and life boil down to a simple question, with a simple answer. Staying focused on what is important, staying on the path despite the challenges, hunkering down together- these are the important things to remember.
As I contemplated my epiphany, I conjured a road, with many paths. It reminded me of when George and I had our first trip across the country, with everything we owned in the backseat of a purple Chrysler New Yorker that cost $500. The determination and sheer willpower we used to overcome the adversity that we faced, combined with our firm belief that we were in it together, with no one else, is what drove us to our destination. Despite 4 breakdowns, with flames, literally no money, several near death experiences, and apocalyptic weather- we made it. We were focused, together and nothing could stand in our way- especially not fear. This is something that I will always hold on to, and remember at that moment, just before I feel like I might suffocate, that he and I are in this together. One day, I will share the story, it's well worth the read.
To read more of Colleen's blog, or see her videos, check out http://TheMomtastics.com
This week as I was contemplating my next blog post I considered this challenge, (I am officially a master procrastinator). All the challenges that surround me in terms of career and the many paths that face me; the finances and choices that must be made; the children's education and which direction to take the; the health and well being of my husband, my children, and my parents; the scheduling and maintenance of my children and their sports, arts, parties- all these things, all of these decisions, all of these tasks on this massive to do list began to crowd me and I felt like I could just suffocate. I felt like I couldn't breath and it just might overtake me. As I tried to take one task at a time, I couldn't even listen to the anxiety of those around me. I grew short with anything not on point. And then one day in what seemed like an endless week, it occurred to me that I had gotten off the path. That my objective was simple: Happy life, happy family. I began to consider what, out of all these decisions, big and small, was really truly apart of that equation. I had to rid myself of the detailed minutia, back-burner anything that wasn't truly a part of that equation, and move on. Usually the biggest problems, challenges and hurdles and life boil down to a simple question, with a simple answer. Staying focused on what is important, staying on the path despite the challenges, hunkering down together- these are the important things to remember.
As I contemplated my epiphany, I conjured a road, with many paths. It reminded me of when George and I had our first trip across the country, with everything we owned in the backseat of a purple Chrysler New Yorker that cost $500. The determination and sheer willpower we used to overcome the adversity that we faced, combined with our firm belief that we were in it together, with no one else, is what drove us to our destination. Despite 4 breakdowns, with flames, literally no money, several near death experiences, and apocalyptic weather- we made it. We were focused, together and nothing could stand in our way- especially not fear. This is something that I will always hold on to, and remember at that moment, just before I feel like I might suffocate, that he and I are in this together. One day, I will share the story, it's well worth the read.
To read more of Colleen's blog, or see her videos, check out http://TheMomtastics.com
Monday, March 15, 2010
Are You Happficient?
I was making my wish list recently and it became very apparent to me that life really does get in the way of living. After a particularly bad bout of testy days of endless things to do, clean up and tend to, I decided that I needed to take stock of my time, and determine exactly how I could streamline it, and adjust it to provide me maximum ‘happficiency’…(happiness and efficiency). If I could really pinpoint how I want to live my life, and how I am actually living, then I could determine the exact nature of my void in the happficiency ratio and fix it. Well, like most people I realized that much of my time is spent doing laundry, dishes, sweeping the floor (about 6 times per day), paying bills, sitting on hold, ferrying children to and from schools and practice, making beds, tidying rooms, and answering the doorbell (my children’s lovely and very active friends). All of these menial tasks are taking away from playing with the children, reading to them, holding them, hugging them and spending quality time with them. If life weren’t so darn demanding I would enjoy the entire point that I had children in the first place- to enjoy them and enjoy our life with them! How does one actually fix this problem? A solution: employ a staff of a fulltime housekeeper, personal assistant, and driver.
Tada! Problem solved! I begin to imagine how my day would look with such assistance. I focus on creating an image in my brain, and visualize the outcome. My day would open up like the sky after a dark summer storm. I imagine watching my helpers scurrying about the house, carrying laundry up and down the stairs. I sit and eat lunch while they sweep the floor and do the dishes. I take a nap while my children are driven home by a competent Eastern European driver. I am blissfully relaxed and sit to speak to the children about their day, vaguely miffed when they race out the door to see their friends. I watch as my team of helpers folds the laundry. I wonder what’s for dinner, and then it dawns on me just how…inefficient I feel. It occurs to me how my multitasking ways of motherhood are one of the things that give me strength…wings- big ones with Eagle-like wingspans. I’m like a giant multi-tasking Eagle, and I am perfectly capable of folding laundry, doing homework, making dinner, answering the door, and texting at the same time! Could it be…could it possibly be that such tasks are what make me happficient? Could it be that my entire concept of happficiency is a result of my extensive, and I dare to say, nearly expert use of efficiency in the face of a noisy life of challenges? Is it true? Would I truly be happy living a life of….leisure???!!! Two days per week. Wait, no- one. One day per week. If I could get one day per week of pure unabated leisure- I would be…happy. Come to think of it, that would be Sundays. Yes Sundays, when my husband is home and spends his day being very efficient in every way and always abundantly happy.
For more blogs, articles and videos, visit Colleen at http://TheMomtastics.com
Tada! Problem solved! I begin to imagine how my day would look with such assistance. I focus on creating an image in my brain, and visualize the outcome. My day would open up like the sky after a dark summer storm. I imagine watching my helpers scurrying about the house, carrying laundry up and down the stairs. I sit and eat lunch while they sweep the floor and do the dishes. I take a nap while my children are driven home by a competent Eastern European driver. I am blissfully relaxed and sit to speak to the children about their day, vaguely miffed when they race out the door to see their friends. I watch as my team of helpers folds the laundry. I wonder what’s for dinner, and then it dawns on me just how…inefficient I feel. It occurs to me how my multitasking ways of motherhood are one of the things that give me strength…wings- big ones with Eagle-like wingspans. I’m like a giant multi-tasking Eagle, and I am perfectly capable of folding laundry, doing homework, making dinner, answering the door, and texting at the same time! Could it be…could it possibly be that such tasks are what make me happficient? Could it be that my entire concept of happficiency is a result of my extensive, and I dare to say, nearly expert use of efficiency in the face of a noisy life of challenges? Is it true? Would I truly be happy living a life of….leisure???!!! Two days per week. Wait, no- one. One day per week. If I could get one day per week of pure unabated leisure- I would be…happy. Come to think of it, that would be Sundays. Yes Sundays, when my husband is home and spends his day being very efficient in every way and always abundantly happy.
For more blogs, articles and videos, visit Colleen at http://TheMomtastics.com
Monday, March 8, 2010
10 Ways to Let Go
This is a week that I was reminded of the heights of stress that motherhood can reach, as I crested the Himalayans. With hysteria in my eyes I deterred strangers from my path, but not my children. It was the kind of week that made you just wants to lock yourself in the bathroom with a pillow and wake up tomorrow or maybe the next day. Four out of six of us were sick, requiring constant dosing of medicines, taking temperatures, running to the pharmacy and doctors offices. On top of that, our new insurance prevented me from going to the drive through pharmacy....Who knew that taking four children in and out of the Giant would be such an ordeal? It's difficult to describe the level of stress, frustration and upset that transpired from such a task. Mind you, the children had the nerve to act like children. Of course I'm pretty sure that the other shoppers didn't see them as children, rather as very loud little minions darting through the aisles, with a very exasperated mother following behind.
In one of the few quiet moments of the week during yoga, I was reminded to "let go". I tensed thinking about all the details, stressors and things that I must worry about. "Let go. Enjoy this moment of quiet and peace." When I really took the words in- to just let go, I realized at that moment how much I was actually keeping in. I realized how much I had taken on as my own, how much I was worrying about it, and how really I did indeed just need to let go. I kept this thought with me for the rest of the week, and kept repeating it to myself to "let go". Like a little gift, neatly wrapped in sparkling gold paper and a big bow, I pass on to you a few moments of letting go that we all need at some time or another, and apparently I need quite a lot.
1. When you are alone, be alone. Stop worrying thinking and driving yourself crazy analyzing how to solve your problems.
2. Look up when you are down. I got 8 lbs. of free shrimp from Giant- a promotion deal from their pharmacy...(my husband reminds me it wasn't exactly free). There are deals all around you, but if you are too stressed and upset or maniacal you will miss them.
3. Do what you can, and then be done. When you are preparing for a big event, at some point, be done. Meaning when it's that moment when you know that you have done most of what can be done, just have trust and faith that it will work out, and give it as a gift to the those around you.
4. Stop worrying about everyone else. They will live. No amount of worrying for them will solve their problems.
5. Stop trying so hard with some people. Sometimes there is that old friend that you keep trying to connect to who doesn't seem to reciprocate, or that person at work who vaguely ignores you when you are nice to them. Let those people go, and stop trying.
6. Leave the mess. It will be there for you when you come home.
7. Get off the cross, we need the wood. This is not my quote, however, I do believe it. If you are so busy feeling sorry for yourself, you are robbing others of what they need from you, and robbing yourself too.
8. Stop comparing yourself to others. Sometimes it’s not the dirty car that bothers us, with cheerios and dried cheese sticks to the carpet, it’s that we know that others will notice and judge. Who cares?
9. You are on the same team. When couples are enduring stress, they fight each other. Remind yourself one of you is the quarterback and the other is the running back and darn it you will win together.
10. Trust your swing. A golf aficionado asked me recently "Do you try to hit the ball?", I said "Well, yeah...??" She said, "That's the trick to golf, you can't try. You must have the fluidity down and trust you will hit the ball."
If you trust yourself, and let all ancillary stress go, you will be happier. I guarantee it.
In one of the few quiet moments of the week during yoga, I was reminded to "let go". I tensed thinking about all the details, stressors and things that I must worry about. "Let go. Enjoy this moment of quiet and peace." When I really took the words in- to just let go, I realized at that moment how much I was actually keeping in. I realized how much I had taken on as my own, how much I was worrying about it, and how really I did indeed just need to let go. I kept this thought with me for the rest of the week, and kept repeating it to myself to "let go". Like a little gift, neatly wrapped in sparkling gold paper and a big bow, I pass on to you a few moments of letting go that we all need at some time or another, and apparently I need quite a lot.
1. When you are alone, be alone. Stop worrying thinking and driving yourself crazy analyzing how to solve your problems.
2. Look up when you are down. I got 8 lbs. of free shrimp from Giant- a promotion deal from their pharmacy...(my husband reminds me it wasn't exactly free). There are deals all around you, but if you are too stressed and upset or maniacal you will miss them.
3. Do what you can, and then be done. When you are preparing for a big event, at some point, be done. Meaning when it's that moment when you know that you have done most of what can be done, just have trust and faith that it will work out, and give it as a gift to the those around you.
4. Stop worrying about everyone else. They will live. No amount of worrying for them will solve their problems.
5. Stop trying so hard with some people. Sometimes there is that old friend that you keep trying to connect to who doesn't seem to reciprocate, or that person at work who vaguely ignores you when you are nice to them. Let those people go, and stop trying.
6. Leave the mess. It will be there for you when you come home.
7. Get off the cross, we need the wood. This is not my quote, however, I do believe it. If you are so busy feeling sorry for yourself, you are robbing others of what they need from you, and robbing yourself too.
8. Stop comparing yourself to others. Sometimes it’s not the dirty car that bothers us, with cheerios and dried cheese sticks to the carpet, it’s that we know that others will notice and judge. Who cares?
9. You are on the same team. When couples are enduring stress, they fight each other. Remind yourself one of you is the quarterback and the other is the running back and darn it you will win together.
10. Trust your swing. A golf aficionado asked me recently "Do you try to hit the ball?", I said "Well, yeah...??" She said, "That's the trick to golf, you can't try. You must have the fluidity down and trust you will hit the ball."
If you trust yourself, and let all ancillary stress go, you will be happier. I guarantee it.
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