"Surviving Motherhood"- Friends Lost and Found

Colleen Shields is writer, actress, producer and mother. See her videos at . Colleen inspires mothers to reach their true true potential in the context of motherhood. I was sobbing… uncontrollably

. It was as though a release of years of hurt, heartache and disappointment just fell from my soul like a great thunderous storm rolling from my eyes. These were tears and sorrow that I didn’t even know I had stored somewhere in the recesses of my heart. You see, I was leaving behind a friend. I didn’t know, so many years ago, that this would be truly a unique friend. I didn’t realize that where I was at this young time in my life when we had become friends, would be temporary. I was able to give a part of myself that I don’t think I can do so easily anymore, or at least not for a long time. My dear dear friend. I was driving away from her. I didn’t know that over a decade ago, when I had her near, when I enjoyed her so much, and knew in my heart she appreciated me and loved me, that she would be so unique. I didn’t realize that first time I drove away that she would really be one of the only true friends that I would have. I didn’t know just how special that relationship would be. It was too much to conceive that we would part cities, part states and be worlds away, and that our friendship would not be able to bear the distance. And then came the babies…one after the other, after the other, after the other, and so forth. I thought, naively, that I will have more friends like her down the road, somewhere in the midst of motherhood. And then suddenly, almost by accident I finally got to see her again after so many years. I didn’t even contemplate it too much, I didn’t anticipate it like we do sometimes, when we have special occasions. It was like yesterday that we were all together, the four of us, her young husband and mine. Both of them were deep in graduate school, and both of us were starting our professional careers, or perhaps more appropriately, bringing home the bacon. We were thick as thieves, with no children, no mortgages, no money and few bills. We had apartments in the city and would spend Saturdays walking through antique stores and dining leisurely in sidewalk cafés in Philadelphia. Life was different. Simple. I look back now, as a mother of four children, with tremendous responsibility, with a big mortgage, big tuition, and the sense of constant awareness that I do the Right Thing at ALL times, lest the children will suffer, and I realize that I am not sure I could ever again cultivate the kind of friendship I did at that time. I may have to wait another 12 years perhaps, when my children are grown to again have the sense of freedom and the vulnerability to trust someone enough to let them into my world. I have wonderful friends now, truly caring and generous. They are kind and giving, but I cannot give the same of myself that I did then. I had the sudden realization, as we drove away, that I am not as generous with myself, and that the few times I have opened that door a bit wider than usual, I have been hurt- and it cut very deep. I can ill afford to waiver my feelings and emotions for fear I may lose my footing, which I desperately need to be able to care for the my children and my husband, or I could fall off the precipice of my life. It’s too difficult to cultivate, too time consuming, I have my husband, my children need me, I don’t have time, it’s too hurtful, what if she turns on me, what if she needs me too much, I can’t be needed anymore, I am too selfish, too mean….too….there are so many reasons I can’t have that kind of friend ever again! So, as we are driving away, and my sobs turn into double sobs, when you need two in breaths for every out, and I am sitting in my little puddle, I realize that this gift of my friend, is like an invitation from those silent friends of my past and my future, those I believed in that disappointed me, and those that I didn’t believe in, and didn’t realize were so unique- that I may never find them again. So dear friends, thank you for holding on, I promise I won’t let you out of sight again…even in the midst of your two greatest competitors, motherhood and my own insecurity.